some journaling

The four older kids were in bed tonight by 7:30.  Brig goes to scouts and plays basketball on Thursday nights so I put kids down early to get some alone time and give them some sleep catch-up.  With a new baby, my alone time is sometimes just a few minutes.  Enzio was fussy and I tried to do housework with one hand while I held him in the other.  Finally, I gave up and just sat down in my rocker.  Almost instantly, he was calm.  I could tell he just needed to be held close and feel my heartbeat.  It was soothing to him and he was so peaceful being held tight next to my body while he got my undivided attention.  I got to stare at him and feel the joy that comes from loving a little helpless creature that we brought into this crazy world.  It was wonderful.  I soaked up every second and then put him to bed.

Ironically, it is so quiet around here I can hardly stand it.  I miss the sound of little feet, their laughter and even their yelling.  

I want to remember the sweet moments with each one of my children because they (my children) are already slipping away from me faster than I would like.  Brig and I were talking about our blessings last night and realizing that although our day to day lives are a bit chaotic with 5 little munchkins all screaming for our attention, we are very happy and our trials are so minimal to what they probably will be.  (We don't have teenagers yet.)  We just want time to freeze.  I am here writing just so I don't forget.  I just want to remember little Aya, with wispy hair and her tiny frame, telling me to take my shoes off in the house because even I shouldn't break the rules.  I want to watch Silas bounce on the couch with his sword, giggling.  I want to see Avalon walking around the house reading her book out loud because she can't sit still and I want to bite my tongue when Max comes bounding on his tippy toes to tell me an interesting fact about something such as the pupil.  I will miss these moments and in a way, I already do.  Can they be little again in the next life?

I love being a mom and I wish that I were a better one.  I want my kids to remember the happy moments and not the ones when I am upset or grumpy.  How can I make sure that happens?  I really hope they don't forget the spiritual FHEs, park outings, prayer time, and laughs.  

Just random thoughts... but I don't want to forget how blessed I feel to have 5 miracles.  Somehow I still have love for all of them and it grows deeper day by day.  I love watching them love each other and Enzio probably gets more kisses a day than any other baby on the planet. 

Enzio woke up and even his newborn scream doesn't seem to bother me BUT I better feed the duffer and quit wishing that time would freeze....